Ukraine

Hello Chums and Chumesses........Funkyronster here!!

I've succumbed! I vowed I would never write one of these "to everybody" emails, but I have got so far behind with keeping in touch, that the amount of repetition would drive me crazy.

So apologies for the necessity. 

What a month it has been!! nearer 6 weeks!

I am sat on the shore of the Black Sea, half way along the southern coast of the Crimean peninsular. As far east as I have ever driven, and almost as is possible to go before Russia. When I look at the map and I see just how far away I am I feel almost dizzy. I am deep into the old Iron Curtain lands, an impossibilty until 20 years ago.

As soon as we left the familiar european-ness of Germany, into Poland, Slovakia and Hungary (all now in the EU), everything changed subtly. The roads, buildings and churches all taking on a more eastern slavic tone. Of those 3, Slovakia is the most beautiful. Rolling mountains and forests, quaint villages and castles everywhere.

We spent a week in Hungary at the Ozora music festival, with friends from the UK, including my son and my brother. A good time was had by all among the heat rain mud and pounding music.

We finally approached the Ukrainian border with Trepidation. Luda, my Ukrainian girlfriend, isn't particularly fond of her home country, which I found a little odd....... but was anxious to find out for myself. The border crossing was a hoot. It was obvious that we were the highlight of the day. Despite it being August, there wasn't another tourist in sight. There were hundreds of trucks and buses and cars......all Ukrainians returning from the EU, and all getting thouroughly searched, and copious amounts of money changing hands.

After much filling in of forms and checking of documents, we finally came to the attention of the boss. You could tell he didn't know what to make of us! Usually I dress down and remove all evidence of alternative lifestyle, and try to be just another tourist in a campervan, but this time it wasn't possible, as since she arrived in the van, Luda has transformed it from the mucky bachelor pad on wheels it used to be, into an eastern palace on wheels. When I picked her up in Poland, half of her luggage was some of her exotic collection of textiles and throws from her past travels. Within days the van was like nothing I had ever seen or expected!! No denying it now......it's a hippy van through and through!! Shiva, Ganesh, Buddah and elephants adorn the walls and furniture.

All too much work to reverse just for the sake of anonymity, so we just decided to wing it.

We couldn't even hide behind "no speaky russky" - because of her passport.

So Comrade Customs man wants to have a look around, and enters the van. I am of course merely a spectator, everything being said in fluent Russian, which to me might as well be mandarin, although I'm picking it up bit by bit. Well he only made it a step past the door when Luda ordered him to take his shoes off!! At which point he immediately headed back out again!! So we ended up back in his office, where he subjected Luda to a lengthy interrogation.....ignoring me completely. I didn't know what was said until later, but the gist of it was.......OK I've seen your van, and your passports, with visa stamps from Morocco, Thailand and Nepal...... so just tell me where the drugs are and we'll come to some arrangement without taking your van apart or calling in the sniffer dogs. To which Luda looked him in the eye and said......go ahead! But make sure you take your shoes off, and make sure the dogs feet are clean!

Ten minutes later we were on our way.  It was just after midnight, the heavens opened to a ferocious thunderstorm, the roads were rough, invisible and dark. Half an hour later we were safely sandwiched between 2 Ukrainian trucks in a secure truck park, sipping wine and smoking a spliff!!

Evidently it wasn't as brazen and it looked.....Luda told me that Ukrainians have great respect for peoples homes, hence the shoes, and also, despite the reputation, they don't really like to tangle with Brits or Americans.....something she picked up on her travels with her American ex.

The next day we were crossing Ukraine on the worst roads I have ever driven on, full of an exotic mixture of familiar european cars and trucks, and old Russian cars and trucks. And traffic cops everywhere! We were stopped for speeding 3 times in one day.....in a campervan!! The first time I coughed up 20 euros, but after that I got pissed off and gave em nothing but grief! It was much easier as the cops never ask for passports, so we could hide behind the language barrier. I soon found the best way to handle them was to act dumb and ask for a phone call to the British Embassy. Evidently nobody gets tickets or points....for locals its like a tax.....anything from 5 to 10 euros and you are on your way.

We slowly worked our way across the Ukraine, huge expanses of rolling steppes and crops, eventually reaching Odessa, Luda's home town.

We spent a few days there, and then set off for the Crimea - Ukraines Riviera.

Been here nearly two weeks now, and although I can see Ludas point, it is a bit dirty and run down, and corrupt,  and people don't smile much, except when they are pissed on Vodka....which is pretty much all the time. But from my perspective, I like it! The staples of modern life......fags booze and diesel, are cheap. Two quid for a bottle of Vodka, 90p for fags and diesel 55p a litre. A waterside restaurant fish lunch with a bottle of Moldavian Sauvingnon was just over £15.

I don't know why they bother to write Ukraine guide books for tourists. There aren't any!! On my travels in Europe and Morocco, you can bet you'll come across at least a few Germans every day, especially in August, but not here. I've seen 5 vans, 2 caravans and no more than a handful of foreign plates. We turn heads everywhere we go. There is no camping, caravan or motorhome culture over here - you just wander round and park up where you want, and within an hour or so, someone wanders up asking for a euro or two. Security is fine out in the country. Nobody wants to tangle with the cops, and petty dishonesty doesn't seem to be part of the culture.

By next week we will be further down the coast at one of the most picturesque ports on the coast, where there is to be a jazz festival - quite a famous one in these parts, so that will be fun. We intend to get there a day or so early, and cruise around until we find someone's garden to park in!

Luda and I are settling together nicely. She loves the van, and the travelling life, so we are both happy. 

The only problem for me is that it's bad for the liver. In Morocco, I had the same problem, but that was with sweet mint tea......here it's vodka! Everywhere we go, out comes the bottle and toasts have to be drunk, and of course it's impolite to refuse!!

Today we bought fish from a nice guy who knocked on the door, which tonight I will barbeque on an open fire on the beach, and that lot will be washed down with wine from the barrel from another stall on the beach. Cloudy, sweet and very tasty! No shortage of good wine here - Ukraine produces loads, as does Moldova and Georgia to the north.

Yesterday I was force fed copious amounts of vodka by the people in the van next door.....their van fridge had packed up and was leaking noxious fumes. Exactly the same problem I had a year or so ago. So I knew what to do, fixed it in half an hour, and then my liver had to endure their gratitude!!

After Crimea, Turkey beckons. Only been there once and never in the van, so that should be fun.

Big hugs to everybody, sorry for the generic mail, but I will of course exchange personal notes with you as and when.

Love

Ron and Luda